Therapy Amongst Thieves

by Denton Gentry

The laboratory... tables along the walls, surgical instruments and jars of preserved organs... I wonder what sorts of experiments Acerak conducted here... three large vats in the center of the room... poke at the first with a wooden rod, contains water. ... The second has some sort of weak acid... "Hey Kahlen, there's something silvery at the bottom of this vat. Can you levitate it out?"... Poke at third vat with the rod... ITS MOVING! OCHRE JELLY, ITS GOT ME! IT BURNS! ...must get out... longjump spell, whats the invocation... can't think, it burns... Silk running towards the slime... the slime is frozen... cold... very cold... burning has stopped... ARGH! MY FEET! THEY'RE BURNED!!!!!!

Haer awoke with a start. He'd had the dream again, the same dream he'd had every night for the last five years. A dream which came sometimes during the day when his mind wandered away from the task at hand. A dream of the day that had ruined his life. A dream of the day he'd lost his foot hair.
Haer had been part of a group of adventurers tasked by the King to eradicate a growing evil in the Great Swamp. He and his companions Chaste the Mighty, Silk One-Eye, Jobe the Monk, and Kahlen the Healer had entered the Tomb of Acerak and faced many dangers and cunning traps. In a laboratory they found three vats. The third contained an Ochre Jelly which had engulfed the halfling and begun to digest him before Silk killed it with a Hammer of Frost.
The jelly badly affected Haer's feet and scarred the skin so severely that the hair had not regrown in the years since. Foot hair is very important to a halfling, being not just a matter of personal coiffure but actually a measure of his status and self-worth. A halfling with no foot hair is either an adolescent, or a monstrosity. At 33 Haer could no longer pass as an adolescent, leaving only the second possibility.
The healers at the Temple of Ehlonna had tried to repair the damage, especially given the sizeable donations Haer made in order to encourage them. Yet the follicles were not simply damaged, they were gone, consumed by the Ochre Jelly as its enzymes had done their work. No healing magic can repair that which is utterly destroyed.
Haer had wandered the lands for several years, looking for a cure. Eventually he grew tired of the sideways glances and taunting from other halflings, and travelled to the Thieves Guild in Greyhawk. For three years he had been working as an instructor of aspiring thieves, and had rarely left the Guildhall.

The office of the Guildmaster is an imposing place, intended to strike fear into the heart of Guildmembers brought there to face punishment for some transgression. The senior thieves seated about the table were, subconsciously at least, still affected by the place though their attention was focused elsewhere this night. They were Tilk Brevard and Orvis, two Master Thieves of the Guild of Greyhawk, along with the Guildmaster and her chief Assistant.

Tilk Brevard: We cannot simply ignore the matter. If we allow this to happen, others will feel emboldened to do the same thing.

Assistant Guildmaster: How? Nobody outside of this room even knows what he's done. And we intend to keep it that way.

Tilk Brevard: It's only a matter of time before the news gets out. It might be years, but the news will spread. If we have allowed the situation to continue... we'd never be able to recover.

Orvis: And what exactly do you propose we do about it? This is Bigby we're talking about. We can't cajole him, can't threaten him. We have no leverege over this man, and he knows it.

Tilk Brevard: There is another option. He stopped paying the protection fee. Let's remind him what that fee is for. Lets break into his mansion.

Orvis: That has been tried already, remember? Falon and Topr are two of our finest. It cost us 900 gold apiece to polymorph them back to human.

Tilk Brevard: The first attempt was ill conceived. We acted rashly when Bigby announced his intention to stop paying.

Assistant Guildmaster: Bigby knew they were coming. He knew what they were planning, and when they were planning it. We still haven't found the source of those leaks, or who the Archmage got his information from. He has an informant inside the bloody Guildhall!

Tilk Brevard: After three months of searching and making life miserable for everyone in the Guild, there has been no hint of a leak. So I did a little investigation of my own.

Assistant Guildmaster: And?

Tilk Brevard: There is no leak. Bigby has been planning his break with the Guild for a long time. He knows enough about all of our Master thieves to place magical markers on them. He knows when they come near him or any of his property, and can tell their intentions from their surface thoughts. I commissioned a sage to find a way to remove the markers, and there is none. Only Bigby himself can cancel them. None of our Master thieves can move against him without his knowing.

Assistant Guildmaster: (shocked by the enormity of the preparations of the Arch-mage)

Orvis: What do you suggest we do then? Send a junior thief? An apprentice perhaps, beneath the notice of the wizard? What an appalling suggestion.

Tilk Brevard: I said no such thing. In fact, I don't think any of our regular members are up to the challenge. Those whose skills are fine enough to make the attempt are already known to the mage. They are also not experienced with the working of spells. To get through Bigby's magical defenses, a thief would first have to understand them.

Orvis: Well we can't exactly hire a magic user to help, now can we? The Wizard's Guild would make sure Bigby found out about it.
Tilk Brevard: Very true.

Guildmaster: I take it you have someone else in mind?

Tilk Brevard: Someone under our own roof. He's not native to this area, came knocking on the Guildhouse doors a few years ago. He's quick, skilled, and most importantly he's a proficient user of magic. He's one of our best instructors now.

Orvis: Are you talking about that moping halfling? He barely even knows the layout of the city! He never leaves the Hall.

Tilk Brevard: That very anonymity is to our advantage. Falon and Topr said the wizard anticipated their every move. He knew everything they were up to. The Arch-mage cannot possibly know this halfling's methods, he's had no opportunity to see them in action. Bigby doesn't even know he is here.

Guildmaster: (pauses while she considers this). Bring Haer Gronagin here.

Informed of the assignment, Haer was at first overwhelmed. How exactly does one break in to the mansion of an Arch-Mage? He was given access to the full resources of the Guild of Thieves for the duration of the job, which proved very useful. The Guild authorized a "late night records search" of various Craft Halls, and bribes of several city officials to obtain required information. The Guild also arranged the expedited purchase of any special supplies. The preparations took nearly two weeks.

Now hovering over the rooftop, the halfling measured off the desired location. He could see the magic coursing through the shingles via his Detect Essence spell. Moving slowly and deliberately, he set the exotic hardwood lumber (obtained by the Guild at great expense) down onto the roof. As he'd hoped the magic was keyed to flow through that particular type of wood, of which the rest of the structure was made. The lumber had been prepared in advance, and assembled quickly with leather thongs through predrilled holes. Haer built a small compartment on top of the manor and sealed himself inside. Waiting until the mansion's defensive magic was flowing entirely through his shelter, he then sawed through the roof. The Stone of Silence the Guild had provided was invaluable for this: not a whisper was heard as the blade did its work.
A few minutes later he was through, dropping into a storeroom on the top floor. The craftsmen located by the Guild had been instrumental in this, though they did not know it. Haer had arranged for several Master Builders to be trailed by junior thieves, and was immediately informed when they spent more than an hour in a tavern. He would then wander into the establishment and spend the rest of the evening drinking and making friends. Halfling constitution being considerably more stern than human, Haer was still lucid even as the humans around him were deep into their cups. He gently turned the conversation to the the quality of construction of various mansions about the city, a topic these proud men would loudly defend. Telepathy could read any needed information from their surface thoughts. Haer had an accurate floorplan committed to memory.

Having successfully entered the manor Haer cast Detect Traps, the first of many such spells that night. Bigby's mansion was equipped with more than the usual number of magical wards. Indeed, the spell immediately detected a trap of some sort on the handle of the door leading out of the storeroom. Haer estimated that it was an alarm to sound if the handle were turned by an intruder. Fortunately from this side he could bypass it easily: pulling the pins from the hinges allowed for the door to be set aside without ever turning the handle.
Silently the halfling padded down the hallway to the balcony overlooking the entry foyer. He kept his distance from the gurgling fountain, as its sudden cessation within the range of the Stone of Silence might alert the wizard. He needn't have worried. The Guild had arranged a diversion, sending most of the Master Thieves which Bigby had tagged on a mission to scout an estate in the lands surrounding Greyhawk. Informed by his scrying that the attention of the Guild would be elsewhere that evening, Bigby slept soundly in his chambers.

Haer used several Woodsight spells to examine the structure of the mansion, determining that the joists in one corner of the upper floor were considerably more stout than the rest. Bigby kept his most valuable possessions locked in a safe lined with layers of lead and silver to repel divination and scrying, and such a massive ediface required strong supports. This would be Haer's primary target.
The door to the wizard's outer chambers wasn't difficult to pass. There was a spring loaded spike were the handle turned the wrong way, and a needle in the jamb where the unwary might place their hand. The hinges were rigged to sound an alarm if the door opened without the proper disarming, and a pressure plate immediately beyond would sound a louder hue and cry. Childs play. Haer made his way into the wizard's sanctum.

Only one door now separated the halfling from his goal. The Stone of Silence was no longer necessary, as the prodigious snoring of the Arch-mage would cover any slight noises made by the thief. Haer carefully disarmed the final mechanism protecting the lock, and breathed a sigh of relief. At last he extracted the small paper envelope from his belt pouch, containing powdered Espinicaeus Pinatumbis. This sleeping powder was different from most of its ilk in that absolutely no magic had been used to enhance its effects. Bigby was likely to resist anything with the whiff of magic about it, but the thief hoped that this potent variety from the tropical southland would be effective. It was, quite.
It took nearly an hour to disarm all of the protections guarding the vault, during which time it seemed the snoring of the wizard had actually begun to rattle the foundation. Haer could have whistled if he'd wished, between the effect of the sleeping powder and the racket in the room Bigby would not have awoken. The final trap was a needle coated with a hallucinogenic paste, which Haer thoughtfully moved to a different place on the lock so that the wizard might get to enjoy its effects later.
The thief was under strict orders, determined after long debate by the leaders of the Guild. Take too much, and the wizard might well bring the Guildhall crashing down upon their heads. Handle the wrong trinket and one might accidentally loose a demon upon Greyhawk. Haer was instructed to take only two valuable gems and the wand which Bigby had been seen to use on occasion as ransom until the mage resumed payment for protection.

Several weeks later...
Negotiations had been delicate. Haer sent coded messages through intermediaries, not revealing his identity until he was certain the wizard would agree to his terms and without fear of reprisal. At last the two met in the Temple of Pandeos, neutral ground to finalize their transaction. "Greetings Bibgy, I'm Haer Gronagin. I've brought your spellbook, see?"
Gazing now at the luxurious hair gracing the tops of his feet, Haer had to admire the wizard's handiwork. Bigby sure knew how to word a Wish for maximum effect. He hadn't just restored the halfling's foot hair, he'd restored it to the condition of a halfling ten years younger. It drove the babes wild!

Back to Haer

Tilk Brevard:	We cannot simply ignore the matter. If we allow this to happen, others will feel emboldened to do the same thing.
Assistant Guildmaster:	How? Nobody outside of this room even knows what he's done. And we intend to keep it that way.
Tilk Brevard:	It's only a matter of time before the news gets out. It might be years, but the news will spread. If we have allowed the situation to continue... we'd never be able to recover.
Orvis:	And what exactly do you propose we do about it? This is Bigby we're talking about. We can't cajole him, can't threaten him. We have no leverege over this man, and he knows it.
Tilk Brevard:	There is another option. He stopped paying the protection fee. Let's remind him what that fee is for. Lets break into his mansion.
Orvis:	That has been tried already, remember? Falon and Topr are two of our finest. It cost us 900 gold apiece to polymorph them back to human.
Tilk Brevard:	The first attempt was ill conceived. We acted rashly when Bigby announced his intention to stop paying.
Assistant Guildmaster:	Bigby knew they were coming. He knew what they were planning, and when they were planning it. We still haven't found the source of those leaks, or who the Archmage got his information from. He has an informant inside the bloody Guildhall!
Tilk Brevard:	After three months of searching and making life miserable for everyone in the Guild, there has been no hint of a leak. So I did a little investigation of my own.
Assistant Guildmaster:	And?
Tilk Brevard:	There is no leak. Bigby has been planning his break with the Guild for a long time. He knows enough about all of our Master thieves to place magical markers on them. He knows when they come near him or any of his property, and can tell their intentions from their surface thoughts. I commissioned a sage to find a way to remove the markers, and there is none. Only Bigby himself can cancel them. None of our Master thieves can move against him without his knowing.
Assistant Guildmaster:	(shocked by the enormity of the preparations of the Arch-mage)
Orvis:	What do you suggest we do then? Send a junior thief? An apprentice perhaps, beneath the notice of the wizard? What an appalling suggestion.
Tilk Brevard:	I said no such thing. In fact, I don't think any of our regular members are up to the challenge. Those whose skills are fine enough to make the attempt are already known to the mage. They are also not experienced with the working of spells. To get through Bigby's magical defenses, a thief would first have to understand them.
Orvis:	Well we can't exactly hire a magic user to help, now can we? The Wizard's Guild would make sure Bigby found out about it.
Tilk Brevard:	Very true.
Guildmaster:	I take it you have someone else in mind?
Tilk Brevard:	Someone under our own roof. He's not native to this area, came knocking on the Guildhouse doors a few years ago. He's quick, skilled, and most importantly he's a proficient user of magic. He's one of our best instructors now.
Orvis:	Are you talking about that moping halfling? He barely even knows the layout of the city! He never leaves the Hall.
Tilk Brevard:	That very anonymity is to our advantage. Falon and Topr said the wizard anticipated their every move. He knew everything they were up to. The Arch-mage cannot possibly know this halfling's methods, he's had no opportunity to see them in action. Bigby doesn't even know he is here.
Guildmaster:	(pauses while she considers this). Bring Haer Gronagin here.